Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
TOE WRESTLER NASH CELEBRATES 12TH CHAMPIONSHIP
When Alan “Nasty” Nash gave us two thumbs up to indicate his 12th World’s Toe Wrestling Championship held in England, we forgot the obvious. Look at the feet, dummy. Add those ten digits.The champ from the tiny village of Stoke-on-Trent kept the world championship in England. He’s not going to retire until a British protégé is good enough to keep the trophy in the Isles.
The world’s greatest toe wrestler is made for toe wrestling. His bald head, menacing Van Dyke beard and Bond villain glare is enough to make you look away but add to that strong arms, which you need to hold yourself up, and a strong mid-section because you’re going be pushing with your hips, and strong, dexterous toes because your opponent will be trying to break them.
Break them, really?
“Oh, yeah, in one match I broke four toes. Kept on pushing and won the match. Altogether, I’ve broken nine toes.”
With those toes, you must be great at football.
“I’m terrible at every other sport except toe wrestling.”
Nash’s day job involves moving dirt … with BIG MACHINERY, not his toes. Don’t even go there. Nasty pampers his feet when he’s not competing – foot massages, pedicures. He’s not about to try digging holes with his feet. That’s his money maker, which, when he makes it he donates it to children’s charities. The world’s best toe wrestler has sponsors, folks like Dr. Scholl’s, Mycil Foot Spray (because if you have an athlete’s foot, you don’t want to get… you know) and Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream.
The last one – Ben and Jerry - intrigues us. If you ever wondered about the training regimen and diet of world class toe wrestlers, here’s your answer, lots of ice cream. What flavors, you wonder? Would it be Boom Chocolatta, because of how fast Nasty Nash can pin you? Or maybe Hazed and Confused because this is what you feel like once Nash has your toes in his grips. Or maybe Cherry Garcia because when you finish a toe wrestling match with Nash you are grateful you’re not dead. Or maybe That’s My Jam because when Nasty Nash intertwines his toes with yours, you’re going to be possessive about what gets knocked out from between your toes.
Ben and Jerry make special ice cream honoring people they sponsor. There is a Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream, also a Wayne’Swirled named after Wayne and Garth, and a Blondie Ambition referencing Madonna. There should be an ice cream honoring Alan Nash. Alan thinks it should be Toe-tally Chocolate. We think other flavors offer possibilities. We’d like your suggestions. We’d like names that would make your toes curl, something that might make Anthony Davis raise an eyebrow, some name that would make Rex Ryan’s pretty footed wife take notice. Give us your best Alan “Nasty” Nash toe wrestling ice cream names.
Nasty Nash’s Toe-Tally Almond Crunch? Digitally digested. Pedicarific! Come up with a few more. Mustachioed Pistacitoe? Sounds delicious, something a tying-to-the-railroad-tracks villain would munch on when waiting on the locomotive. Sesame Camel-Toe Dessert? Yumm! Sounds like something to cool you off when you’re trekking with Lawrence over the dunes. Strawberry Fields GelaTOE? Oh yeah, that’s a flavor lasting forever. Chock Toe of Nuts? Wake up and smell the cof-feet. Toe-fu Toffee? All the proceeds go to the Susan B. Toeman Foundation. Because every foundation begins with a good base.
If you are ever in England, catch the toe-wrestling championships. Your feet will thank you.
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