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By Stan Silliman
       
Texas Stadium Implosion To Be Cheesy

    Did you know you could buy the naming rights or promotional campaign to the destruction of a big public building? No? Well, you’re wrong, Macaroni Breath, because Texas Stadium is going down, man, and for the few months before it explodes, Kraft Foods will be promoting the Cheese Whiz out of the event. The old stately stadium is not coming down quietly.
    Did you know you could buy promotion rights to a public implosion for a mere $ 75,000?
That’s the fee, plus another $ 75,000 worth of Mac and Cheese given to Irving charities. It will be an historical event and it will be cheesy.

    Kraft Mac and Cheese plans this week to run a national essay contest for children. The winner gets to trigger the detonation at the public demolition. Oh, boy. Kids writing essays about how much they like Mac and Cheese… and then how much they like to break things, little pyromaniacs with a chance to win big? What will these essays read like… from Mac and Cheese eating, explosion loving children? Something like this:

    “I love Mac and Cheese. Yum, yum, yum.  Eating Mac makes me happy ‘cause my tummy makes little explosion noises when it’s full of Mac and Cheese. Boom, boom, boom. I want to be like Wiley Coyote and flip the switch on Texas Stadium. BOOM!”

    Or maybe this will be a winner: “When I was little, Dad bought me a Bob the Builder. Whenever other kids built a nice tall building, I knocked it down. I used cherry bombs my big brother saved from July 4th and brought those suckers down. If I win the contest I’ll bring my hard hat. If I don’t win, that’s okay… cause I know where you live.”

    “Mac and Cheese is the best food, ever. I am so happy Mac and Cheese is helping to destroy the football stadium. I hope they make cheddar flavored explosives. That would be awesome if after the stadium exploded, everything smelled like cheese.”

    This probably won’t win: “I am unhappy Mac and Cheese is the sponsor. I wanted Tony Roma’s Bar-B-Que to sponsor the explosion. I like Tony Romo and if his bar-b-que was the sponsor they could build a Texas Stadium replica made out of pork ribs, dripping in brown sugar sauce, with Jessica Simpson pouring on the sauce… in her Daisy Duke outfit. I don’t see how macaroni and cheese can compete with a mouth-watering stadium made of ribs, next to Jessica.”

    This probably won’t win, either: “My mom is making me enter your stupid contest. Yes, I’d like to smash that stadium to smithereens but I hate Mac and Cheese. I only eat it because my mom is too cheap to buy decent food. Instead of Oreo’s we had Hydrox. No Coke in our house, only Shasta. Let me bring down that stadium. Let me do it for all the kids with cheap moms.”
Texas Stadium Implosion To Be Cheesy by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles
    There will be webcams catching the explosion on a Sunday morning in the near future. The City of Irving (pronounced Oyyyving by Jerry Lewis) will receive tons of publicity promoting the event. Expect it to be immortalized in a poem by Maya Angelou:

    “You may write me down in history… with my twisted girder beams
     You may walk upon my crumbled stone… amongst cheddar smells it seems
     Does my Mac-i-ness upset you… the pasta in my cheese?
     I once stood tall and open topped… a monolith, in the breeze”    



 

     
    
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