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THE BOSCARS by Stan
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By Stan Silliman
       
THE BOSCARS

The NBA All-Star Game ran opposite the Oscars, which outdrew All-Star game viewers by 5 to 1 in the states. I’m betting ballplayers hated missing the Academy Awards as much as Jack Nicholson hated missing the All-Star game. Even worse, Billy Crystal, with his years invested as a Clips fan hosts the Oscars when, finally, two Clippers start for the West.  

However, as compensation, we’ve created Oscars, called Boscars, for the ballplayers knowing how much they missed the real event, along with the acceptance speeches we’re sure we would’ve heard. 
 
For instance, Kevin Durant won MVP so he doesn’t get a Boscar. The All-Star game MVP is a much rarer trophy (you can find Oscars all over Hollywood, some in pawn shops) so he doesn’t need one. But Kevin Love, who defeated Durant in the Three-Point shooting contest does get one. His Boscar is in the category of  BRUISER WITH FEATHERY TOUCH.  Also nominated in this category are LaMarcus Aldridge and Marc Gasol. 

Here’s Love’s acceptance speech: “Thank you Academy. I won this for all the big uglies doing the dirty work under the basket but know we can shoot from distance just as well as the pretty boys with all their teeth. I also want to thank the rack boys for lining up the laces for me and then turning Kevin’s every which way. Also, thanks, Mom, for letting me chuck a few even after calling me in for dinner.”

In the category of PLAYER WITH BROKENESS NOSE, it goes hands down to Kobe Bryant. Bryant, who also took the award for MOST POINTS IN ALL-STAR CAREER, gives a very succinct acceptance speech. Kobe: “I couldn’t have done this without my teammates feeding the ball to me with defenders draped all over me. I also have to thank Dwyane Wade for the flagrant foul that broke my nose. Dwyane, I share this with you.”

In the category of QUICKEST SCAMPER TO EXIT OUT OF A BLAKE GRIFFIN POSTER, the competition was very keen, perhaps the closest vote of the night. Nominated were Carmelo Anthony, LeBron James and Dwyane Wade. No one was surprised when Wade took the award after running away from a down-the- lane-flying Blaker. Says Wade during his acceptance: “I’m glad I could be a part of Kobe’s award but on the Blake I didn’t want to be a Mosgov or a Kendrick Perkins.”

THE BOSCARS by
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In the category of BIGGEST SCREAM AFTER A DUNK, the competition was also close, with LeBron James, Dwight Howard and Russell Westbrook all nominated. In the end the voters honored Westbrook as being the screamiest. Says Russell: “I want to thank the voters, my teammates and James Harden, who challenges me to a scream-dunk contest every practice. Without James pushing me I may have not been my loudest.” 

In the category of BIGGEST PRETENSE AT PLAYING DEFENSE the award goes to Dwyane Wade. His hard foul on Kobe was the only semblance of defense the entire night. Also nominated was Andrew Bynum, who early in the game blocked a Dwight Howard shot. However, Bynum later admitted it was an accident. Here’s Wade: “Thank you, Boscar voters, but actually it wasn’t a great play. I was just trying to break Kobe’s nose.  Anyway.”

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