Each revelation about Tiger’s November 27th wreck raises more questions than it answers. It’s like peeling back an onion only to find underneath… more onion. And ironically, the only tabloid not to have jumped on the story has been… the Onion.

    So far here’s what we learned. Prepare to be shocked:
    Tiger’s wife, Elin, swings a mean 3-iron. They live in Windermere, Florida next to the Adams family who has a son, Jarius, who made the 911 call. Tiger lost control of a Cadillac, hitting a tree and fire hydrant. Tiger had a physics book in his car.

    Here’s what else we learned: Tiger had a lot of mistresses and all of them have lawyers. All of Tiger’s mistresses had unusual names. Tiger not only juggled these mistresses, he had to remember their names.  He not only had to concentrate on sinking 15-foot putts, he also had to remember these names.

    Here’s what else we learned: If a tabloid gets a hold on you, it won’t let go, especially if the tabloid gets a hold of you by your “tale”. More so if your name is Tiger… and you’re a cheater. If a tabloid finds out you’re a cheater AND you’re name is Tiger AND it has a hold on you by your “tale”, it will suggest you’re a Cheetah. 
    Here’s what else we learned: When a tabloid gets a hold of you no amount of PR can rescue you. You can’t spin your way out when they have tapes and photos and can pay for testimony. No amount of indignation or threats of reprisal can dig you out. Just ask Frank and Kathie Lee.

    Here’s what else we learned: Golfer Jesper Parnevik introduced Tiger to Elin. Parnevik is the Swede wearing a funny up-billed golf hat. If you’re introduced to your future spouse by a guy in an up-billed hat you have the right to question your choices.

    Here’s what else we learned: Years ago, a guy named John Zeigler established a church called The First Church of Tiger Woods. The church claimed Tiger is the messiah plus it has a special set of Ten Tiger Commandments. Wait, there’s more! The church had actual worshipers.

    Here’s what else we learned: There is no end to golf related Tiger Woods riddle type jokes. They are like driving range balls to a gopher. You get hit by a few, retreat to your hole and then when you think you can come out because there can’t be anymore… they keep coming.

    With the revelations come questions: Why is a guy, making $ 70 to $ 100 million a year, living in a neighborhood… next to the Adams family? Tiger can afford acreages with miles of circular driveway. Enough drive way where his blonde wife can chase him with a 3-iron and beat his Cadillac to pieces… and do it naked… and nobody has to know she was there… or that he was driving a caddy instead of a Buick… and if he’s on an acreage there’s no Adams family with their disinterested teenager living next door to him. Plus, wasn’t Tiger wealthy enough to find a wife through regular channels… without needing to use a matchmaker in an up-billed hat? You’d think! 
    So like we said, an onion… and finally The Onion gets in the act. Strike our first paragraph. I’m leaving the room with my hands thrown up, feeling like Bo Pelini after the Texas game.