on Sports
Top 100 Movie Quotes cartoon


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman

    The American Film Institute released its list of top 100 quotes from U.S. films. Only a few were from sports movies. Grave omission, we think, so we’ve reconstructed 20 of the quotes to fit the famous sports movie, Caddyshack, in bold as spoken by the Caddyshack characters. 

    In case you haven’t seen Caddyshack, here’s what you need to know: Chevy Chase plays smartass playboy Ty Webb. Ted Knight plays arrogant, pompous, bull-headed Judge Elihu Smails. Rodney Dangerfield plays the sleazy, insulting, but generous land developer Al Czervik. Bill Murray is the hapless assistant groundskeeper Carl Spackler whose adventures chasing the gopher is hilarious. Michael O’Keefe is teenage caddy Danny Noonan.  Dan Resin is club champion Dr. Beeper. Cindy Morgan plays Judge Smails’ sexy niece Lacey Underall.

    Spackler’s boss has just ordered Carl to kill all the gophers on the golf course. Spackler answers “Correct me if I’m wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers they lock me up and throw away the key. I see dead people… but we’ll always have Paris, won’t we Sandy. ”

    Carl Spackler has cornered the gopher and is threatening him with a baseball bat “Do you feel lucky? Well do ya, punk?” he says as he repeatedly misses the gopher. The gopher runs away, then turns and asks “You talking to me?” Danny Noonan sees the action and advises Spackler “You’re going to need a bigger bat.” Spackler then runs off saying “I’ll be back! I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog, too!” 
Top 100 Movie Quotes as spoken by Caddyshack
    Meanwhile, vulgar land developer Al Czervik is playing golf against Judge Smails for the right to place a housing development next to the exclusive club. “Aren’t you ashamed of being filthy rich, Czervik?” the Judge asks. “Greed, for lack of a better word, is good,” Al answers. “But why a development here,” the bull-headed Smails asks. “If you build it, they will come,” Al answers, stepping in front of Smails. “Hey,” Smails shouts “I’m walking here! I’m walking here! Besides what are you building those houses out of, Czervik?” Al answers “Plastics.” “Is it safe?” Smails snaps. “Of course,” Czervik answers as he approaches the tee box “But you can’t handle the truth. Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy nine.” 

    Next we find Carl Spackler trying to firebomb the dancing gopher, “I love the smell of Napalm in the morning,” Spackler says, certain he’s defeated the feisty one. Judge Smails sees the fire and immediately races toward it. He cell phones back to Jack Houston in the club house  saying “Houston, we have a problem.” Jack says “Surely, you can’t be serious.” Smails replies “I am serious… and don’t call me Shirley.”    

    Next we find Judge Smails sexy niece, Lacey Underall, walking into the caddyshack/bar Danny Noonan operates and Danny says “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.”  Lacey approaches Noonan “I have always depended on the kindness of strangers. Serve me up some Soylent Green.” Noonan looks at her grimly “But don’t you know,” he stammers “Soylent Green is people!”

    Lacey turns back to him, squints her eyes and says “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
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