The wrongful dismissal trial of
Coach Mike Leach vs. Texas Tech is still off in the future but, if
you’re like us, you can’t wait. Plus we expect Coach Leach would like
to get it over with for if we know anything about pirates, it is this:
pirates aren’t patient. And if we learned anything about Leach, we know
he likes pirates... and if he could be one, he would. What if the trial
was held on September 19th or “Talk Like a Pirate Day”? What if Mike
Leach was able to have a jury of his peers? What if when Leach took the
stand he spoke as a pirate? See below:
see you’re dressed in seafaring garb, Mr. Leach. Do you feel you were
wronged by Texas Tech?
matey! They came for me doubloons!
Lawyer: But they said you
sequestered a player against his wishes.
Leach: Lies, they be. All
lies. Landlubber talk! Belay ye landlubber talk, me hearty.
Lawyer: But they said you
took young master James and put him in a dark room.
Leach: Shiver me timbers!
He be lucky he weren’t keelhauled from the poopdeck.
Lawyer: So you sent him
into the dark room as a punishment?
Leach: ‘ave ye be nippin’
on a noggin’ o’ rum, ‘ave ye? All scurvy scallywags walk ye plank. We
didn’t send James to Davy Jones locker. We kep’ him cool ‘n dark fer
‘is own good.
Lawyer: So ye…er… you did
place him in the dark?
Leach: ‘ave ye no ears? We
run no school fer milksops! Football be our game ‘n it be no game fer
yellow-bellied sapsuckers or fat little wenches. Do ye savvy, or arrrre
ye a landlubber?
Lawyer: I’m no land… er,
strike that. So you did lock up Mr. James?
Leach: Never said lock, me
hearty. Fer ‘is own good, we placed ‘im. Arrrrgh? This squabble has
little to do wit Adam James. The cheap bastards be tryin’ not to pay me
Lawyer: So you think the
James matter is a straw dog?
Leach: Avast! Do not speak
o’ dog, ya pompous gasbag. Grog, aye. Dog, nay. We had an agreement,
aye. I win games and they pay me plunder.
Lawyer:Young James was
cleared to practice and came in sunglasses. Why remove him?
Leach: Arrrgh! We be in
Lubbock. Sunglasses are fer wussywogs. Eye patches, ya mangy cockroach,
don’t ye see? Eye patches fer all! If’n I let one lad go wuss, they all
Lawyer: Judge, could you
make the witness stop talking like a pirate?
Leach: (standing): No can
do, ye lilly-livered landlubber. I ought draw me musket on ye just fer
askin’. Give me my doubloons and I be sailin’ out o’ here.
Lawyer: Judge, this is too
much. Please instruct the witness…
Leach: He’s a lubber,
Judge. Don’t ye listen to that scurvy bilge rat! He’s tryin’ to take me
hawse. I did no wrong. I’m Michael “Blackbeard” Leach. They all be
rogues a-plotting. I’m Michael “Blackbeard” Leach and I’m a better man
than all ye milksops put together!
Lawyer: Judge, he’s pulled
a sword on me! Judge! Judge! Eyyyowwwwww…..