By Stan Silliman
Two Pompadours Analyze NFL Draft
The following is satire. If you can’t handle sports satire, don’t read it. Repeat: It is not breaking news.
The NFL draft is never complete until the Two Pompadours give us their takes.
One Pompadour, Mel K., makes a living talking about NFL draftees. The other Pompadour, Donald T., makes a living selling condos to NFL draftees and then firing people. He’s also considering running for president… but that just may be his hair talking.
Donald was gracious enough to take time away from his mirror to favor us with expert opinion, bolstered by his experience as a former owner of a pro-football team.
“What makes you think I forgot my mirror,” says Donald. “I never go anywhere without it. I’m looking at it now while talking to you and talking to Mel. And if there were an extremely beautiful and worthy woman in the room, I’d also be dealing with her, without putting down my mirror or my speaker phones. I can multi-task like a demon, which, by the way is a very important skill in being president.”
“This draft is one of the strangest in my…” says Kiper.
“Mr. Kiper, did I give you permission to interrupt me?” says Donald. “You can be fired, you know. ESPN can be bought. My friends at Disney have asked me to take it off their hands countless times.”
“We knew there would be a load of quarterbacks in the draft but there were several shockers.”
“You want shockers?” asks Donald. “Obama releases his long form birth certificate, and that’s totally my doing. I give it up to me for forcing him to do so. You know what they should have done? They should have cancelled this draft just long enough to give me a ticker tape parade down Broadway. Then they should have erected a statue of me in Battery Park and after that, we could have held the draft. America needs to get its priorities straight.”
“Christian Ponder to the Vikes? Are you kidding me? I rated both Dalton and Mallet ahead of Ponder. In fact I had Ponder as an intriguing second day pick, maybe not even in the top 64 picks and the Vikes take him at No. 12?” says Mel. “That’s a lot of money to spend for a practice team clipboard holder.”
“That’s why you’re not running for president, Mel. Ponder is a big, strong kid plus his name is Christian,” says Donald. “Minnesota has many, many people, I know several myself, named Christian. Butts in the seats, Mel. Fans want to go where players have the same name as they do. Our New Jersey Generals had many fans named Herchel and also many named Walker when we had Herschel Walker. Butts in the seats, Mel.”
“Are you crazy, Donald?” says Kiper. “You had Herschel Walker and you think fans named Herschel and Walker came to your games because of his name?”
“You can be fired. You know that, right?” asks Donald.
“I’ve never…This is so frustrating. I’ve never…”
“Never what? Been in the presence of someone so successful? I’ve got the best show on television, the best hotels, the best casinos, gold courses, the best apprentices. What have you done, besides predict draft picks any third grader could do?”
“My record speaks for itself.”
“You had Blaine Gabbert going No. 5 to Arizona. He didn’t go until 10th. You blew it by 100 percent, Mr. Kiper. Good thing you didn’t try to get into the Wharton School of Business, being off by 100 percent won’t cut it,” says Donald.
“Besides, how do you think Obama got into Harvard? His grades weren’t any better than yours. Don’t you think we should have an investigation on this? Oh, I forgot, you had Mark Ingram to Miami at 15 and he’s not picked up until 28th with the Saints,” says Donald. “I guess that makes you not smart enough on political matters.”
“Anyone can fall,” says Kiper. “It’s all a matter of need. The Fins felt they needed an interior lineman and didn’t expect Pouncey to be on the board.”
“Speaking of being on board, what do you say when we as a country win a war, we just take what we need in resources until they’ve paid back our cost to beat them?” asks Donald. “I’m tired of America fighting wars and not getting our spoils. If Obama was any kind of a man, we’d have enough oil from Iraq that every one of us could fill our pools with it. I’d like to be able to swim in my pool filled with Iraqi oil. I wouldn’t of course, but if I could fill my 120,000 gallon, I should be able to and have enough left over to keep you in hair old. When I’m president, we’ll take all the oil we need from Iraq, and Libya and Syria until we get our cost back.”
“Are we through discussing the draft?” asks Mel.
“The draft you should be discussing is the one where we draft me for president. If I’m president there won’t be no lockout. I’ll go to the players and tell them if they don’t play they’ll find themselves in the army. I’ll go to the owners and tell them they better let those players play or we’re going to let the homeless pitch tents in their stadiums. I think they know what that can do to property values.”
2405 Wilcox Drive
Norman, OK 73069