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Wackiest Baseball Songs by Stan Silliman


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
Wackiest Baseball Songs

      Denny McLain: Live in Las Vegas
      That’s an album, no lie, you want to be sure to rush out and not buy. Resist!
I know you’re saying why would a millionaire ex-ballplayer (okay, a coked up ex-millionaire ballplayer) try to make like a lounge singer in Vegas? (Okay, a coked up ex-millionaire ballplayer convicted of extortion and racketeering,) but still… you don’t want his album. Of all his crimes against humanity, the racketeering or this album, it’s hard to say which is worse.

    We discovered this in our search for the weirdest and wackiest baseball songs. And there are plenty, folks. The Jose Conseco song by an unknown author as an example:

    Jose Conseco, Jose Conseco
    Known from here to Waco
    As a major-league flake-o
    Who shot it up his cake-hole

    Even the big boys got in on the baseball lyric biz such as our favorite Bob Dylan and his homage to Catfish Hunter:

    Used to work on Mr. Finley’s farm… but the old man wouldn’t pay
    So he packed his glove and took his arm… an’ one day he just ran away
    Catfish, million-dollar-man… Nobody can throw the ball like Catfish can

    One of our favorite southern comedians – Tim Wilson - had a similar homage to a pitcher called “The Ballad of John Rocker:”

    Mr. John Rocker, better clean out that locker
    Or go out and throw about 42 perfect games
    Saving you a spot next to Marge Schott in the dip****s Hall-of-Fame
    John Rocker, Detective Fuhrman called, he knows just how you feel
    And I bet that congressman, David Dukes, would help you with your appeal
Wackiest Baseball Songs by Stan Silliman
    Kinky Friedman had a song about Marilyn and Joe. Turned out not to be one of Kink’s funnier bits. More of a love song, really. It’s called “Marilyn and Joe.”

    There is a place where you can go… Where Marilyn still dances with DiMaggio
    And Juliet with Romeo

    But that didn’t keep us from looking through thousands of baseball songs. There’s a song titled “Nolan Ryan’s Fastball,” one of eight songs on Ryan but they weren’t that funny. There are two songs out on Ichiro Suzuki, one a hip-hop song - Ichiro - with unprintable lyrics by Tony Rome which is more about trying to convince his gal to be more like Ichiro and give her all for “the team.” Another is called “RBI Samurai: The Ichiro Song.”

    He came from the land of the rising sun… he’s number 51
    Can’t believe how fast the guy can run
    Go, go Ichiro… You’re my, my hero…Ichiro
    You’re the RBI Samurai… Go, go, Ichiro


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