Assistant Baylor Bears football coach, Eric Schnupp, was arrested in Waco for urinating on a bar in a tavern. Not in the bar, ON the bar in the tavern Scruffy Murphy’s. That’s wacky, even for Waco. Too much Schnapps for Schnupp, we think. You might think, if you’re coaching a team with little chance of winning a game, you’d be entitled to blow off steam… or at least create some steam, using a stream. You might also think, with all the wacky goings-on in Waco, there must be something in the drinking water. In that case you wouldn’t be wrong.

    Do you doubt us… about the proliferation of wackos in Waco? Let us mention John Pisciotta (that’s his name, folks. We’re not trying for a joke involving Schnupp and what he was doing to the bar). Pisciotta is a Baylor professor heading up Pro-Life Waco. So when a cute little girl scout shows up with her cookies at his door, instead of buying a few boxes, he hands her anti-abortion literature with the graphic pictures and then tells her to get a real job.

    Wacky enough for you? Like we say, something must be in the drinking water, something that would make Baylor basketball player Carlton Dotson think he could off one of his teammates, Patrick Dennehy, and get away with it. That was in 2003.

    Still not wacky enough for you in the home of the world’s largest Baptist University… where alcohol is shunned? Remember Carlton Dotson, the guy who murdered his teammate? Well,during the investigation, his ex-wife testified that six of his teammates gathered at his apartment to smoke marijuana and drink heavily, sometimes before practice. Still not convinced? How about when you found out Coach Bliss never reported his players failing drug tests when they failed? How about when you found out Coach Bliss told his players to lie and claim Dennehy was a drug dealer? After all this you have to think something must be in the water.

    Well, Mollie Ivins, bless her soul, told us about the stuff in Waco’s water. Miss Mollie did so back in August of 2001 with an article “Home, Home On The Latrine.” In her article she points out 110,000 dairy cows on 250 factory farms surround Waco with the streams from these farms leading to Lake Waco which happens to be the drinking water for the city. The same water Schnupp, Pisciotta, Dotson and Bliss drank, the water which happens to have 50,000 units of cow poop per million. By the way, 200 units per million is considered the safe maximum. Put another way, Lake Waco has more cow poop, by percentage of volume, than a COW.

    If you happen to like your water with a little viscosity or a little color, then Waco is for you.  You  might go wacky. You may wish to imbibe in drink and drugs, which might be safer than the water and you might want to relieve yourself ON a bar, rather than in a bar, and you may want to someday take out your teammate and shoot him the head, but if you like thick water…

    On the bright side, the lawns are BEAUTIFUL. You don’t even need fertilizer. Need we have to tell you about the gardens? The editor of the Waco Tribune-Herald says there are so many taste and odor events the editor suggests the town should fly a green flag when water tastes like water. So surely, the wackiness of the town folk must stem from the water.

    By the way, the wackiest comedian of all time, Steve Martin, was born in Waco.

    But it’s just a theory, this water stuff. It’s not like somebody would create a cult in this town, claim he were Jesus and say to the women “You, you and you, you’re having my babies today. Oh, you and you, put these belts of explosives on.”