“Absolutely loathsome. Unwarranted. Ozzie should be strung up!”
That’s my uncle Salacious Silliman, very upset over the White Sox blow up doll incident.
I knew the “Cosmetics King” would ring in on this. I
knew he wouldn’t see the humor about the Sox having two inflatable
dolls in the clubhouse. Salacious is rarely mentioned in any of our
columns. Best left in the basement… is a good family term. And by the
way, when we say “Cosmetics King,” that term is used loosely. It’s what
my uncle wants to be called but, really, we consider his field pretty
much the low end of cosmetics… making latex lipstick for inflatable
dolls. On the other hand, on this story, he probably knows what he’s
“Listen Uncle,” I say to Salacious “as I understand
it, the Sox were trying a gimmick to break out of a hitting slump.”
“Well, using a fine pair of Pipedream
Just-Like-Reals just isn’t right. Didn’t they realize these dolls are
the Cadillacs? You don’t take a Pipedream Jessica and stick a bat in
her back hole.”
Sal is talking about one of the dolls being propped
up by a Louisville Slugger with a sign saying “Let’s Go White Sox.” I
had forgotten Pipedreams were responsible for cousin Morton’s college
education. I had forgotten how my uncle was so proud of his new
“Hey-Big-Boy-Red” lip gloss which adorned many of the Pipedreams.
“I should sue the Sox. Get the cops to charge them
with rape by instrument. They showed no respect for those girls.”
Wait a moment. I know this is crazy town but is that
my Uncle Salacious? The same guy who use to date triplets… one of
each? A she, a he and a what’s that. The same guy who tried to
get us to go in on the IPO for Muttonbone, manufacturer of the Love
Ewe? The same guy who was so sure inflatable sheep would sell
like crazy in the Rocky Mountains? And now he’s upset because the White
Sox use a couple of high class inflatables in their clubhouse?
“You don’t understand, Stan. These are baseball
players. Millionaires! They could get real women, dozens of them, slump
breakers. When they’re abusing a Pipedream Jessica and a Pipedream
Lindsay, they’re disrespecting lonely businessmen all across our land.
Lonely losers don’t want to hear about spoiled ballplayers abusing
THEIR sex objects. Blow up dolls have a purpose and that purpose ain’t
got nothing to do with batting slumps.”
“Well, Ozzie Guillen (Sox manager) is not
apologizing,” I tell Salacious. “He says things are being blown up way
out of proportion.”
“He doesn’t know from blown up. Ozzie Guillen is
going to find his porch covered with Love Ewes. And every time he steps
on one it’ll squeal ‘Baa ahh aa, love you.’ And the TV cameras will be
there. And we’ll have a few blow-up shepherds on the porch, too.
Oh yeah, Ozzie is going to wish he apologized.”
Sorry folks. Some things are best left in the basement.