“Absolutely loathsome. Unwarranted. Ozzie should be strung up!”
    That’s my uncle Salacious Silliman, very upset over the White Sox blow up doll incident.

    I knew the “Cosmetics King” would ring in on this. I knew he wouldn’t see the humor about the Sox having two inflatable dolls in the clubhouse. Salacious is rarely mentioned in any of our columns. Best left in the basement… is a good family term. And by the way, when we say “Cosmetics King,” that term is used loosely. It’s what my uncle wants to be called but, really, we consider his field pretty much the low end of cosmetics… making latex lipstick for inflatable dolls. On the other hand, on this story, he probably knows what he’s talking about.

    “Listen Uncle,” I say to Salacious “as I understand it, the Sox were trying a gimmick to break out of a hitting slump.”

    “Well, using a fine pair of Pipedream Just-Like-Reals just isn’t right. Didn’t they realize these dolls are the Cadillacs? You don’t take a Pipedream Jessica and stick a bat in her back hole.”
    Sal is talking about one of the dolls being propped up by a Louisville Slugger with a sign saying “Let’s Go White Sox.” I had forgotten Pipedreams were responsible for cousin Morton’s college education.  I had forgotten how my uncle was so proud of his new “Hey-Big-Boy-Red” lip gloss which adorned many of the Pipedreams.

    “I should sue the Sox. Get the cops to charge them with rape by instrument. They showed no respect for those girls.”

    Wait a moment. I know this is crazy town but is that my Uncle Salacious? The same guy who use to date triplets… one of each?  A she, a he and a what’s that. The same guy who tried to get us to go in on the IPO for Muttonbone, manufacturer of the Love Ewe?  The same guy who was so sure inflatable sheep would sell like crazy in the Rocky Mountains? And now he’s upset because the White Sox use a couple of high class inflatables in their clubhouse?

    “You don’t understand, Stan. These are baseball players. Millionaires! They could get real women, dozens of them, slump breakers. When they’re abusing a Pipedream Jessica and a Pipedream Lindsay, they’re disrespecting lonely businessmen all across our land. Lonely losers don’t want to hear about spoiled ballplayers abusing THEIR sex objects. Blow up dolls have a purpose and that purpose ain’t got nothing to do with batting slumps.” 

    “Well, Ozzie Guillen (Sox manager) is not apologizing,” I tell Salacious. “He says things are being blown up way out of proportion.”

    “He doesn’t know from blown up. Ozzie Guillen is going to find his porch covered with Love Ewes. And every time he steps on one it’ll squeal ‘Baa ahh aa, love you.’ And the TV cameras will be there.  And we’ll have a few blow-up shepherds on the porch, too. Oh yeah, Ozzie is going to wish he apologized.”  
    Sorry folks. Some things are best left in the basement.