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Wolverine Stock Dropping Like a Rock by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
Wolverine Stock Dropping Like a Rock

       Financial advice: If you’ve got stock got in the Michigan Football team, SELL! Pick up a local Michigan blue chip like General Motors or Chrysler.

    Big troubles in the Big House. Big Blues singing… the blues. Someone throw Ann an anchor because she’s sinking in her ‘Arbor. Hugh Jackman is crying. It’s getting so bad folks are asking Michael Moore to make a documentary. Even Michigan Heisman winner Desmond Howard is dumping his stock, betting against the spread, which Rich Rod is trying to install. Howard goes on to say “This isn’t Michigan, this is like Michigan Tech.” Bulletin to Desmond: They’ve just installed Tech as a six-point favorite over the Wolverines. And that’s 13 points less than Ohio State was favored by. Rich Rodriquez likes to preach the spread. Well, Ohio State by 19 points is like no spread that game has ever seen. Losing by 35 doesn’t help. For those keeping score and, yes, we feel for you, Michigan’s record is now 3-9 or more loses than Ted Stevens has felonies. As many losses as Marie Osmond has kids, and that’s not easy!

    Rich Rod likes to preach patience telling fans and supporters to get out of their chat rooms and “Get a life.” Fans respond “We had a life. We used to call it watching football.” Ouch!
    Michigan University fans are not used to staying home during bowl season. It’s cold, it’s a good time to get away.  Michigan fans who do stay home are not used to not being able to find their Wolverines on the tube during bowl season. “It’s usually watch the Wolverines or put in some overtime at the auto plant,” says Michigan fan Brandon Buchhotz. “Fat chance either of those things happening.” 

            “Things are bleak at the moment,” says Coach Rodriquez. “I asked Rick Wagoner at G.M. his suggestion and he told me to go to Washington, seek a temporary bail-out with short range funds to tide the team over until the new administration comes in.”  
Wow, we didn’t know Rich Rod got his advice from the Big 3. “Oh, yeah, I didn’t realize it when I took the job but it’s a requirement here in Michigan. The auto companies dictate our game plan,” says Rich.

    “I try to put in a special sweep and they nix it,” says Rodriquez. “Then they tell me I have to stick with Escalade Left. I tell them they can see that coming a mile away and then they tell me this is the way they’ve always done it.”
Wolverine Stock Dropping Like a Rock by Stan Silliman humor sports comedy cartoons articles
    It is little solace to Rodriquez when he finds out they’ve also been advising the Lions. Hey, how’s that working? What if it comes down to uppity senators saying to the Big 3 CEOs they can’t approve a bailout unless you can show them that the Wolverines and the Lions are going to have a winning records next year? Forget the private jets and the Armani suits you walked in with, explain why Dante Culpepper is always throwing to Kevin Smith when Shaun McDonald is open. And what the heck is a fuel burner like Dante Culpepper doing back there anyway? Didn’t you promise to downsize?

    “My gosh, this is frustrating,” says Rodriquez. “I came from the hills where I coached at West Virginia here to the flatlands of Michigan and I have to say things are different. Just not the way it was in the Appalachians.”
    Hey, Rick. Psst. Don’t mention the word “Appalachian” around Ann Arbor. Yeah, we know. You might not even have this job had not Appalachian State came in and used your special offense to shock the Wolverines. That and Les Miles and several other coaches turning down the job. But, hey, you know things could’ve been worse. Thank goodness, on that Michigan contract you didn’t check that little box where you get paid in General Motors stock.


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