CBS announcer Gary McCord whispers “Jim, Tiger is in the deep rough, now. Of course, not as deep as he was in when Elin found his texts to the porn star.”
    “You’re right, there, Gary,” says Jim Nance. “It looks like he’ll use a 7-iron. Does it have Elin’s prints on it?”
    “Can’t tell, Jim, but the shot appears to be long and may fly off the back of the green. However, the fringe has been surrounded by mistresses providing a cushion for the ball to bounce back near the hole.”
    “What a shot! Off the blonde … right next to the pin.”
    “Gary, I see Tiger lining up his putt… concentrating… as three ladies fight to be in his line-of-sight. One of them is walking on the green. It looks like she’s carrying a subpoena.”  
    “You’re right, Jim. The marshal tried to stop her but she shinnied up the flag pole … like a pole dancer. Tiger is having a hard time concentrating on his putt.”
    “Yeah, Gary,” says Jim. “His cell phone is lighting up like a Christmas tree. I’m counting three, er, make that four… mistresses trying to phone him at the same time.”
    “It looks like the entire gallery is following Tiger,” whispers Ian Baker-Finch. “I feel sorry for the other golfers.”
    “Yes, Ian,” says Jim, “John Daly has played the back nine with his pants off.”
    “And no one noticed,” Ian says, “even when he relieved himself on the precious azaleas.”

    Okay, folks, as much as the announcers might wish it, the above commentary will NOT be happening at the Masters. Not if CBS ever hopes to   broadcast the event in the future.

    The Green Coats have ordered that there be no controversy, no mention of Tiger’s troubles and for the crew to avoid any camera shots of protests or hecklers. The broadcast will try to stay on golf.

    The event is expected to draw more viewers than the inauguration. It will be watched by more women than any other golf match. It will also be the first televised golfing event to be shown in 3-D. Golf needs Tiger back on the tour. 
   
    But enough with the straight news, Silliman on Sports fans want the pretend broadcast to be what the announcers are really thinking. Here goes:

    “Back with you, Ian, and yes, John Daly could be whacking his caddie over the head with his Jim Beams and no one would notice. It’s like a morgue on the rest of the course.”
    “Tiger’s trying to tee off now,” says Ian. ”And it appears a couple of mistresses are cat fighting near the sand trap. Tiger thinks he can clear them. The gals have rolled into the far right bunker. A wig has come off, also a halter top. This may require a close up.”