on Sports
Avoid Vegas


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman

     After coming home from a New Sports Products shindig in Vegas, I had this huge realization: Never go to Las Vegas during a Mime Convention. Trust me, please. You won’t have a good time.

       Picture yourself at a blackjack table, preparing to double down while the guy in the next chair is signaling “Hit me” by punching himself, then bouncing off imaginary ropes, returning to his chair to give a white faced “Don’t mind me” smile. The stoic gambler in the next chair, could be Nick the Greek himself, is now so shook he’s splitting tens. At the next table a player is strangling a mime while the dealer is holding him down. The mime is assuming the I’m being chocked position… shifting to Choking while trapped in a Glass Box using one hand to push against the imaginary glass. The pit boss lends a hand, stuffing chips down the mime’s throat.
Meanwhile a crowd has gathered. In the crowd two terrified mimes are facing each other in an “Oh, no!” stance, faces buried in hands, then in unison back to a “This is just awful” expression. A third mime passes the hat.

    You’ve had enough? Can’t watch a mime being gang choked any longer? So you leave. Casinos, mimes and luck – not all that compatible. Catch a quick trip to the men’s room, freshen up, shave, but now you find yourself trying to remove shaving cream from your forehead. Surprise! That’s not a mirror you’re looking at… it’s a white faced razor wielding mime and he’s mocking you. Leave fast. Take a breakfast break.

    You’re in the coffee shop, so far, so good. No mimes peeking over the pancakes, no white face among the whitefish. Maybe, just maybe, you can down that donut, polish off that sausage and bagel before being trampled by masses of Marcel Marseaus. Order another cup of coffee… but wait, what’s that background music? The Sounds of Silence!? Time to split… oh, oh, too late! Right, the waiter is a mime… in Art Garfunkel garb, a member of that Mime troupe of Sage, Rosemary and Mime.
Avoid Vegas
    You panic, make a quick exit breaking through Sage and Rosemary’s Tug-O-War, running against the wind in place as if on a treadmill, mimes on either side mimicking and staying with you step for step. You glower, you grimace, you sneer. Your mime buddies reflect your every expression. The casino photographer catches you and your mimes in mid-sneer. She chases after you demanding ten bucks. You start pinching yourself hoping you’ll wake up. The mimes are pinching you also, along with the photographer who has enlisted the pit boss in hopes of collecting her ten bucks. You’ve got only one chance to escape and here it is: While running in place, remove a ten from your wallet, double back toward the big wheel, mimes still at your side, the perky photographer still pinching the fatty part of your back. You place $10 on the $100 as you run through the big wheel, the mimes impaling themselves on the spikes, stopping the wheel on the $100 spot. Dead mimes are pointing to your winning selection as you pay Ms. Perky Photographer her $10 (from your $1000). Give her a $20 tip. She becomes nationally known for shooting the chaotic photo entitled “Two Mimes Out for a Spin.”

    In the end, you’re sad. You came to Vegas to learn about the latest sports products, maybe gamble a bit and you end up maiming mimes. You didn’t mean it but what choice did you have? So cheer up… it’s not every day you win a thousand bucks.


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