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By Stan Silliman
       
BARROOM BUNNIES HOPPING MAD
   
   
   
It has all the makings of the sports trial of the year – a bald pro quarterback and hopping mad bar fighting bunnies with names you can’t make up.

    The Cleveland, Ohio trial on January 11th had the 2004 Playboy Playmate of the year, Carmella DeCesare (pronounced The Caesar) on a misdemeanor charge of karate kicking her boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend and Playmate of the Month – Kristen Hine (pronounced Hin-ey) in the head. DeCesare’s boyfriend and Hine’s ex is Cleveland Brown quarterback, Jeff Garcia.  This is the same quarterback his former wide-receiver, Terrell Owens, called gay in an interview last August in the September issue of Playboy Magazine.

Bar Room Bunnies

    Now we realize this bar fight took place last August 21st   (about a week after Owen’s interview came out), but when one of the participants is named Hin-ey, the expiration date automatically extends. And if the bar fighters are kicking and clawing over a balding-weak-armed signal caller with a sub-freezing quarterback rating who a week before was outed by his wide receiver, well then, there are no time limits. And then when we find out this fight took place in a bar called “Tramps,” the permutations become endless. 

    First off, Terrell Owens dropping the “G” word on Garcia during a Playboy interview, which considering the beautiful ladies fighting over Jeff made their rep in the same magazine, is an irony worthy of Sophocles. Without Hugh Hefner’s magazine, this incident has no rank. Two models skirmishing make no story. You can see that every time one model drops extra food on another model’s plate. The fact Garcia dropped Hine (Hin-ey), 32, who was only a Playmate of the Month, for Carmella, 22, is understandable. After all, Carmella was Playmate of the Year and a huge move up. If your sexuality is being questioned you can’t afford to be seen with a mere Playmate of the Month. After all, they’re so, so common and one might suspect you’re still gay. If a governor of a small northeastern state can’t get a pass, even with wife and kids, then merely dating a Playmate of the Month won’t dissuade suspicions.

    The facts of the confrontation are this: Garcia dated Hine five times and then dropped her for DeCesare. Hine says that soon after, DeCesare makes nasty phone calls and leaves threatening voice mails.  When both playmates grace the same night club (Tramps) on August 21st some name-calling occurs (any chance the club’s name is evoked?), a friend of Hines dumps a drink on DeCesare and each woman has to be restrained. As Hine is walking away and while DeCesare is being restrained by bouncers, DeCesare allegedly kicks Hine in the head, snapping her head back.

    Needs to be said: Hine is not a short woman. So for Carmella to kick her in the head requires high kicking, very high kicking. So with Jeff Garcia having such an inept season and with the Browns not moving the ball and having to punt so often, couldn’t the Browns have used a high kicking punter - one with a kick so sharp as to snap a head back? How about a punter who might have reason to keep a close eye on the quarterback? We thought so.  

    For the record, Carmella DeCesare was found not guilty of assault but guilty of violating a protective order and sentenced to one year probation, $ 150 fine and 24 hours of community service… giving karate lessons, we think.

     
    
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