By Stan Silliman
BIGFOOT SIGHTINGS TIMELY
Do you ever notice “Bigfoot” sightings always rev up just before the NBA Draft? Every year Sasquatch is spotted in early to mid-June and every year the Sas or Bigfoot or the Yeti and his buddies remain yet to be drafted.
It makes you wonder.
Either they have terrible representation or they find out they won’t be lottery picks. It’s either that or being over seven-foot tall and covered with hair doesn’t assure you a spot in the NBA. But then, how do you explain Vlade Divac?
We figure they’re shopping for the right shoe contract. Can you imagine the bidding war between NIKE and Adidas that might ensue? On the principle that whoever signs Big Yeti will have the inside track to selling shoes to all other yetis world wide. This has to be an untapped market to a shoemaker. The shoe for a Yeti could be equal to five hundred scraped Chinese children’s knuckles… at today’s exchange rates.
And what about Gillette or Shick? The first Yeti shave promises to be an historical promotional event. Vegas will lay odds on the number of blades required with the over or under coming in at about 250. For that matter, Weedeater may opt to get in the hair shaving business.
Lyle, our neighbor (Crazy Lyle, for those who have never read the column) thinks as do many that a Bigfoot has been captured, cleaned up and taught to play ball and eventually blend in with society. We don’t happen to agree but Lyle tells us that years ago a Bigfoot was spotted many times in the woods of Southeastern Oklahoma – some times fishing, other times scampering among the trees, but mostly fishing. There were regular sightings of this creature. People said during high streams and abundant fish activity they could count on several sightings. Then he just disappeared, never to be seen again.
Shortly after this disappearance, a cleaned up but shaggy 330 pound ballplayer named Bryant Reeves shows up in Stillwater, Oklahoma to play basketball for OSU. They outfit him with the largest shoes to ever go on an OSU player – 26 DD. The basketball, in Mr. Reeves hands, resembles a grapefruit and an unusual supply of straight razors are carted into Stillwater. The OSU cover story is that their mustachioed mascot, Pistol Pete, planned to do some trimming.
We know where Lyle is headed with this story and cut him short. Bryant Reeves was a high school ballplayer from the town of Gans, Oklahoma, we tell him.
“Oh, yeah,” Lyle starts, as usual, “I knew you would say that. So I checked and you know what I found – a snag. In case you don’t know it – snag is Gans spelled backwards. Gans ain’t nothing but a postbox and filling station. And nobody stops in that filling station except fishermen. They ain’t got no highschool. They been pulling a shaggy dog story on us or in this case, a shaggy man story.”
No, no. Nope, we’re not going to get roped into this.
“You know where Reeves played pro? Canada, that’s where. In the woody parts, where there’s lots of fishing. It’s cold up there, and those wooly guys like it a little cold. You know what Bryant Reeves scrambled spells? You’re not going to believe this – BRR YETE NAVES. See? Those young Yete guys like it cold. You know he never played when they moved to Memphis. Said he had a bad back,.but really, it was too hot. You know what he does now everyday? Fishes… with his bare hands.”
I knew it. We’d got roped.
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