By Stan Silliman
BOWLING FOR ASSAULT RIFLES
With the assault weapon ban lifted, it’s time to interview bowlers again. As long as the ban was on we steered clear of bowlers. If you’re looking for someone to blame for our actions, try Michael Moore and his bowling/assault rifle movie – Bowling for Columbine.
We’ve assembled an excellent panel of bowlers and gunners: Bowling bad boy – Pete “Boom Boom” Weber from St. Ann, Missouri, bowling bad girl – Sheree “Boom Boom” Borgfeld from Oklahoma City, and former NRA spokesman – Charleton “Boom Boom” Heston from Hollywood, CA. We’ll start with Mr. Weber.
SOS: Since the ban has been lifted do you think we’ll find more bowlers bringing assault rifles to the lanes.
Weber: Not at all. Bowling is about knocking down pins and doing the crotch chop. The lanes is no place for an AKU-47. When I want to mow down a flock of ducks, that’s when…
Borgfeld: That’s a bad question. Not all bowlers use automatic weapons. Some use pistols. And besides, you know that guns don’t kill people…
Heston: She’s right, you know. It’s a myth guns kill people. Big monkeys with guns kill people.
SOS: Big monkeys? Tell that to the people in Littleton…
Heston: I went to Denver after Columbine. I told them we need a ban - a ban on trench coats.
SOS: We heard those kids were bowlers.
Weber: We don’t claim them. They might have bowled but they weren’t pro-wrestling fans. They didn’t trash talk the pins like I do.
Borgfeld: If they walked into one of our lanes, we’d have ‘em in a headlock.
Heston: I suspect they were eating too much Soylent Green. You know what that can do to you, if I make myself clear?
SOS: No, I guess we don’t.
Heston: You’re stupid, aren’t you? Just like your silly name. In case you haven’t figured out, Soylent Green is made from PEOPLE!
SOS: Mr. Heston, you’ll have to agree that there is absolutely no reason for bowlers to have assault weapons.
Heston: This is the US of A, my friend. Every citizen, even a bowler, has the right to bear arms… and we’re not talking tank tops, here. If you feel safe with an Uzi, you should have an Uzi. If I’m driving a chariot, and another chariot pulls along beside me and tries to jam me, a few bursts from an AK or an Uzi will set them straight.
Borgfeld: And if another bowler starts sassing you while you’re lining up a shot…
Weber: And if a fan comes out of the stands while you’re doing a crotch-chop…
Heston: Hold it! Hold it, please. We don’t want gunfire in the public arena. On the other hand, if he’s a pharaoh and he won’t let your people go, an M-16 can be a good convincer.
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