on Sports
Move Ova


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman

     Kournikova, Panova, Sharapova. They’re taking ova.
    The Russian women tennis players, we mean. I know, my good tennis playing Russian friend, Davidoff Clarkinov, warned us. They’ve got a plan for dominatrix… er,.. I mean domination which we foretold in our July 1ST  2004 column: The Sovietization of the NBA.  But this time we’re not just talking about satellite countries like Serbia and Croatia and Ukraine, the WTA is being dominated by the White Russians, thirsty are you?... the Kovas, and in 2004 three of them won each the three majors – Wimbeldon (Maria Sharapova), French Open (Anastasia Myskina) and the U.S. Open (Svetlana Kuznetsova). Please ask if any of them drive a Nova. Possibly a Range Rova. With all these Ovas coming here by the dozen, something about this is egging me on. I’m scrambling for a good yolk but could end up with something on my face.

    The migration all started with Anna Kournikova, who, by all counts was a weak tennis player compared to her comrades. Oh, I forgot, I can’t make commie references any more. These gals are very much capitalists, capitalizing on Anna’s good looks and her roll-me-ova-in-the clova legs to gain sponsorship and open-armed welcome to the States. Three Russian women are in the WTA top five and thirteen in the top 100. Besides Anna, of course, these ladies have Boris Yeltsin to thank. Before he went to the streets and challenged that tank with a tennis racket Russians hadn’t thought much about tennis. Until Boris took up the sport in the early nineties, they weren’t spending much money on courts. When they saw how well Anna was doing in the U.S. in the promotion department, the exposure department, the shopping department and the hooking up with hockey players department, lots of little Russian girls put down their babuska dolls and took up the game. They saw it as a way to escape, a way to get rich and, at worse, a way to get a husband.  

    “There’s always a gimmick,” our friend Davidoff says. “Thousands of little Moscovite girls put on Nikes, took lessons, all thinking they come and be model like Anna. Very soon more girls playing tennis than courts. Convert pencil factory to tennis courts. Take over abandoned buildings in Chernobyl, build courts, grow long legs.”
    What happened to all these budding tennis players, we ask Clarkinov.

    “The best turn pro early,” says Dovid. “These kids dominating and they’re teenagers. One kid, Nicole Vaidisova, a Czech, turned 16 yesterday and she’s ranked 34th in the world. Last year, ranked 193.  The rest are trying to find an American husband. You can find website after website with Russian women tennis players wanting to hook up.”        

Move Ova

    Come ova, find an Ova, we’re thinking. We’re also thinking ‘how many times can we use that pun.’ If someone wants a companion to humiliate him on the courts, what better way than bringing home a Russian bride with gym bag. In this case you’re buying the Moscow before trying the milk… but if she turns out to be a Vera Zvonaryova or a Tatiana Panova or, speaking of a Moscow, an Elena Bovina, you may have struck gold.  

    “It’s like I told you before. It’s part of the big plan - The Big Move. Russia takes all the tall, athletic potential players, culls out the weakies and the homelies, puts them through intensive training like the gymnasts and dispatches them to the West. If they win and they’re attractive, the West opens up for more and stock in mail order bride business skyrockets. It’s the big snow job. It’s the Big Move, baby.

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