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By Stan Silliman
       
OLYMPIC RANT
   
    I’ve got a bad feeling about this. I hope I’m wrong but whose idea was it anyway to let the Greeks have the Olympics?

    Don’t get me wrong. I love the Greek (please, Mr. Editor, don’t shorten that) but what do they know about running the Olympics? It’s not like they’re Atlanta or Mr. Peter Ueberoth.

Don’t get me wrong. Like I said, we owe a lot to the Greeks. Without the Greeks, where would we get good hemlock? My peta would have no feta. We wouldn’t know we could cut a sandwich diagonally. Without a Greek that tendon at the back of your heel wouldn’t be special at all. There’d be no Homer Simpson. He’d be John or Larry.

What I’m getting at is this time the Athens Olympics is on television and you can’t expect athletes to be running around naked or the women to pose like statues with their arms cut off.  At least I don’t think the events will be on FOX.

Besides, what do the Greeks know about running a marathon? At least the marathons in the U.S. are named after cities… like Boston or New York. There’s going to be five-hundred Kenyans and Tanzanikans running up their streets and it’s going to be pandemonium because the street signs will be all Greek to them. Besides, these guys are going to be running scared because traditionally, in Greece according to Pheidippides, at the end of the marathon, the runner dies. I fear that might inhibit competition.

Let’s also worry about the little events and how they might get messed up by the Greeks. Take Ballroom Dancing, how are you going to fare if you’re judged by Zorba? How many dishes will be flung before a winner’s declared? Or take Tennis, how would it look to shut down center court to hold a big, fat wedding? Television sponsors are not going to stand for that. And speaking of sponsors, even though we’re in Greece, I don’t think Trojans should even come near the Olympics, as a sponsor.

How about the music? That’s always a big deal with the Olympics. But in Greece, I bet they’re going to insist that we add lyrics. There’s going to be a lyre. There’s going to be a Yanni sighting, I fear.
 
Olympic rant
What else is there to worry about? Everything! There’s going to be some tension. There’s going to be some drama. The country is full of drama queens. It’s like the Greeks invented it. To listen to them, you’d think it was a novel idea.

And most of all, security is a concern. If there are equestrian events, no matter whom the rider is or whether or not the horses are gifts, I want them looked in the mouth. And everywhere else they can be looked.  I don’t want some kind of ironic terrorist attack, where they snuck weapons in… in a horse.

And those weird Athenian Olympic mascots – Phevos and Athena – two giant dolls with big club feet and heads that look like hands, and arms that look they belong to a T-Rex? Everything I said above could be forgotten… and forgiven, if they didn’t have these freaky looking mascots. Look these creatures in the mouth, please. If that doesn’t work, take them to the Apollo -- not the Greek Temple but the Theatre in Harlem. Let them do their little dance in front of that crowd. Then, we’ll see if they make it back.


     
    
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