on Sports
Onterio whiz


Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman

     Onterrio, it’s not smart to get caught with a drug foiling device in your flight bag and besides, you made us go back on our word.
    We swore we were never going to write a piece on football running back, Onterrio Smith.
After you were kicked off the University of Tennessee team for smoking weed and then failing NFL drug tests, we said no more stories. But then you get busted at an airport with a “device.” Let’s describe it as an embarrassing device – a fake penis with many bottles of dried urine – designed to outwit the drug testers. Onterrio, geez! You and your very real looking prosthetic called The Original Whizzinator which comes in five skin colors. I could describe it more but it’s too much. Darn you, Onterrio, you did this on purpose. You had to make us write another story, didn’t you? On the Embarrassing-items-found-in-a-flight-bag scale, this item about tops it.
Onterrio Whiz
Just when the NFL thought they weren’t going to get banged as hard as baseball by the Senate drug investigating committee, you had to give them a prop they can march onto the floor. You had to give them something to make Paul Tagliabue’s face squinch up like a lemon seed spitter. You have to know that’s not going put you in tight with the man.  

You know the Senate investigators are going to pry into the Original Whizzinator’s website. But we’ve got to ask, is this thing so popular people are ripping it off - that there might a bunch of “fake” Whizzinators on the market? So much so, they have to keep saying “original?”
Gee whiz, when they go to the trouble of creating a very realistic comes-in-five-colors prosthetic which is sewn inside an athletic supporter, isn’t patent protection enough? They have to have that added security of the word original? Like druggies are so picky? “Sorry, Bud, but it doesn’t have the word “original” on it. Think I’ll pass.”

    Their site is a lark. The cool thing or the dumb thing, depending on viewpoint, is they don’t edit testimonials coming into the website. Misspellings and all flow in from satisfied users and from those very much against the whole idea, like probation officers and others. You can bet the owner of Puck Industries will be questioned on the senate floor. I want the senators to quiz the head whiz about that song they ripped off from Sammy Davis. This song:

    Who will take your drug tessssst?
    Designed to make you look your best
    Available in different colors…
    Black, white or green…
    It’ll even enhance ya…
    If y’know what I mean
    The Whizzinator can… The Whizzinator cannnnn

    Who will take your drug tessssst?
    Designed to make you look your best
    This is who you call when you go into that stall
    Want to take a whiz… with no funky in your fizz?
    The Whizzinator can …yes… The Whizzinator cannnnn

Onterrio, now do you know what you did? You’ve made all drug testing to now be briefs below the knees. And not just for the NFL, but in every factory in America. Plus, and even worse, you made us write another story on you. And even worse, now where am I going to unload a fridge full of dried urine.
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